it’s mother’s day but my moms dead

hello, here’s a blog i wrote after the Lord did some really cool things 

from the start of writing down parts of my heart to be shared with the people who chose to read my blogs (which started over a year ago,,, crazy!!)  i always wanted to be authentic and real with what the Lord was doing in me. most times i didn’t know how to do so or i let  fear stop me. when going through the fire & places that just hurt a little bit more i wanted to show that & be real in that, while always pointing back to the goodness of God that isn’t dependent on circumstances. and i didn’t want my wrestles to be shared with a bow on top. the race is hard, life is hard and my words in real life & the ones written down won’t gloss over that. 

often times, the Lord out of the kindness of His  heart reveals things to me that sting a little but are actually just molding me into a person that will reflect more of Him. (ugh what a gift it is to be the clay in the hands of the greatest potter)! 

recently i sat down with God, feeling overwhelmed, defeated, & truly felt like my heart was just too heavy to be held. and if i learned anything in that it’s that Gods got the arms to hold it. as i started talking with Him, He began to show me parts of the things that were weighing me down & causing so much grief in me. some of the things were seeking approval, carrying too much of others loads , and specifically some upcoming dates that were subconsciously flooding my head. 

may 2nd & may 9th. my moms third death anniversary & mother’s day. 

while on the phone with my little sister earlier that day, i reminded her to make sure she allowed space for herself to feel whatever she wanted to feel on those days because if she doesn’t, no one will, the world still moves when it’s your moms death date & it still celebrates mother’s day when your mom isn’t alive.

while sitting with God He reminded me of the words I had said to my sister just a few hours prior  & that i needed those things to reign true to myself also. 

i needed to simply allow myself to miss my dead mother. it sounds easy & something that is assumed to come with grief but over the past couple years i became so fixed on the way i was coming off to the world and there was no room for not being okay. 

as i wept with the realization of these things, God didn’t stop there. He continued to bring up things from the past couple months that have over and over revealed Himself to be a motherly figure to me. a few of these things being a time where I had asked the Lord to show me how He held my heart & He showed me an image of a mother carefully and tenderly lying down her newborn baby & remaining by its side through the night ;reminding me that’s what He’s been doing to me all along. & Isaiah 66 a piece of scripture that perfectly captures all of this: 

“Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream; and you shall nurse, you shall be carried upon her hip, and bounced upon her knees. As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you…” 

 

He is good. like we’re talking some serious beauty from ashes here. 

 

because i know Him & His heart I can go knowing may 2nd & may 9th won’t be dreaded days but rather days where I can know and experience the fullness of God while still sitting & actually feeling grief. 

so happy mothers day, Jesus! the mother of my <3

thanks for reading! 

k