All the Ugly and Wonderful Things

Mom. & Me- ’09 

On May 2nd of 2018 I unexpectedly lost the most beautiful woman in my life and ever since I have navigated myself through a life without a mom, a life I never thought I would have to experience  so early. When someone loses a close family member, I think it is typical for everyone’s heart to break over the fact that their loved one won’t be there for the big events such as weddings, proms, graduations, and holidays. And obviously those are not easy things to go through with someone missing, but for me the smaller things in life that my mom isn’t here for is what sucks the most. The things that the “a girl with a mom” version of me never thought about. I miss listening to country music with my mom even though I often couldn’t stand it. I miss my mom making my school lunches. I miss butting heads with my mom because we were so alike. I miss having a best friend who always made me a priority and loved me so hard when I didn’t deserve it. 

It’s two years to the day since I lost my mom and words aren’t any easier to gather, days aren’t easier to get through, but my mindset and attitude towards life have shifted completely. I lived 15 years of my life having no idea what it meant to live until I learned it the hard way early on. It makes saying “yes” to things and loving others so much easier. I always ask myself how different life would be different if mom were here, and the answer to that is definitely a little more pain free,  but trauma has truly strengthened my faith and myself as a person. 

 There have been countless big and small moments that my mom has missed out on. One being my decision to pursue the World Race. It has been the greatest thing that I have said yes to but knowing I can’t share with someone I love isn’t easy. In the words of Rebecca from This Is Us “The happiest moments will also be a little sad.” I know that she was always so proud and would be the most supportive if I could share with her. I have learned heartbreak and joy at the same time, and have learned to see beauty in All The Ugly and Wonderful Things.  

A letter for mom: 

I am sorry I took you for granted and didn’t realize how strong and amazing of a woman and mom you were. I am sorry that it took me to lose you to realize how badly I needed you. I hope I am making you proud.

I love you most. 

-Kakes 

 Side note/World Race update: 

The trip has not been cancelled! 🙂 Thanks to the amazing Adventure in missions people who are working hard to make sure Gap Year is still happening they have possible alternative plans if need be: 

“Our team is excited to announce that our backup plan for your Gap Year is a few months of missional training, leadership development, and discipleship at our headquarters in Gainesville, GA! Once the pandemic is cleared for us to travel, our hope would be to fly you out to the field first thing in January….” 

Although I am so grateful to not have it cancelled completely, prayers are still appreciated for the original plan of launching in september. 

Another side note hehe: 

I had a goal to have fundraised $2,000 by the end of April and because of the generous & loving support, I exceeded that goal by more than $1,500! 

Thank you for reading my blog & for the continued support

Kayla